i blame work for my lack of blogging

Work has been crazy busy lately. Meetings, paperwork, coordinating workshops, interjected with frequent Facebooking.

I went to a meeting in Port Aransas earlier in the week. After the meeting, we go to lunch and as a part of our meal they bring all of us strawberry shortcake. It tasted horrible, it was like the strawberries had been basted in Robitussin. So after 2 bites I gave up and pushed it aside, but then I felt my throat start hurting, but things were going so well & I wasn't going to let a sore throat keep me from continuously dominating the conversation.

After I make it out to my car my throat is really hurting and as I get into my car I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the window and notice that my lips had swollen up twice their size.

I was surprised when my first reaction was anger. I was mad because no one had bothered to say, "Hey Lane, your face is really freaking me out."

Sadly, this hasn't been my only outing involving public humiliation. I also attended another meeting where I could hardly find time to use the bathroom. But when I did finally make that escape, I was rushed...a little too rushed that I got pee on the front of my pants.

Most of the time when this happens you think, "Okay, this will dry fast and no one will notice." But the moment I stepped out of the bathroom I found a lady waiting outside the door wanting to take a picture...for the newspaper. Yessss.

i'm impressed and disgusted.

This is from a weird and pretty gross website where a guy takes fast food and then turns it into "fancy" looking dishes. It's called Fancy Fast Food.

The picture above is some hot dogs and nachos from a 7-11.

The video on the website is enlightening yet horribly disgusting.

my upcoming business/bust-a-move meeting.

Work has been a little hectic. I have to give 3 presentations in the next week, which means I have to bring my A game.

A while back when I agreed to present I was told, "Just give us a taste of you and what you will be able to bring to other people's meetings. Sell yourself!"

Instantly, I thought back to college and taking all those speech communication classes and how the worst advice I ever got was, "Just talk to everyone the same way you would talk to a friend." It didn't end well...my friends don't get offended when I use the F word.

But all along I've just stuck with what I know best...being theatrical. So, for my presentation next week I have costumes. At one point I channel a lazy employee (which isn't a stretch) and then I do a mediocre impression of David Letterman complete with a pair of glasses and a Top 10.

My audience: geriatrics. This means if they fall asleep I can blame it on nap time or not having their hearing aids in

While these purple hairs may be my demographic, that wont stop me from doing an Ellen style dance to "Disturbia" as I am introduced.

"911, state your emergency/frustration."

I learned last week that my apartment complex has a zero tolerance policy for late rent.

I had written my check but forgot to take it to the office and literally the next day I had an eviction notice was on my door.

I thought that surely it was a mistake, but when I took my check I asked why they there was a notice on my door. Essentially, it came down to being a scare tactic to getting people to pay rent.

So, I was peeved by the notice but also because when I found it on my door the office was closed and the "24 hour answering service" wouldn't let me talk to a real office person when I told her I had an emergency.

She said disputing an eviction notice doesn't qualify as an emergency. I should have just called 911, that would've really gotten their attention, and possibly the attention of some psychiatric professionals...

Creepy/Embarassing things I've done this week: Work Edition
-I pretended to know someone on a personal level to keep a conversation going. They said, "Oh so you know So & So?" I had never met them, the only time I had ever spoken to the person they were asking about was when I took their drink order at Starbucks.

-Today I had to use the bathroom (#2) at work and the toilet wouldn't stop flushing. I freaked out and got out of the bathroom ASAP. It stunk in there and I was worried everyone would know it was me. Plus, I didn't want to be there if/when the toilet over flowed. This seems to be a common theme in my life...why God?

Paula Abdul isn't returning to American Idol. I was always annoyed by her nonsense & sloppy demeanor but she's one of the original judges. I think this is one of those cases where if you start messing with the original set up of the show, it's all going to go down hill.


Ugly Betty isn't going to be ugly anymore? What's the point then? Unless your renaming her Minority Betty, I wont be watching.


Also changing names...Radio Shack is changing it's name to just "The Shack."

My More to Love update: I strongly dislike the girl Melissa that cries all the time. I mean, pull it together, you're on TV!

this is a sappy song, but i love it.

Sometimes when I'm having a bad day I watch this. I love the song and the guy sings it amazing.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

This weekend my parents came to town and we were feeling crazy and didn't want to go to the beach. So instead, we opted for going to a Greyhound dog racing track.

I know what your thinking, "Oh no! How could you watch such a horrible thing! Those poor dogs!" But, there were no dogs there, only racing being simulcast from other places. However, some urban gentlemen were fighting some pitbulls in the parking lot to keep everyone entertained.

There were times when I felt like I was at Chucky Cheese. There were so many children there. It's weird seeing people drink beer, watching dog races on TV, screaming profanities when they won/lost....all while there are babies crying and children getting spanked for running down the stairs.

My brother, Aaron, and I ate this whole experience up. I tried to take a lot of pictures but Aaron is a photographer that doesn't quite understand the concept of "Ready, 1,2,3!" But when we weren't trying to take pictures of crazy looking people or of me riding a statue of a greyhound like it was a bull, we gambled!

This was my first real experience gambling, if you considering watching dog racing on TV gambling. But, I was horrible and I didn't win any money. But it turns out that racing involves a little bit of strategy, I, however, placed bets based on the dogs with cool names like LA's Reba & John McCanine.

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CURRENTLY GIVING ME THE HEEBIE- JEEBIES...

MADONNA'S ARMS
Supposedly it's from working out too much? But why are her veins popping out so much??


JOHNNY DEPP PLAYING THE MAD HATTER
I've never really been afraid of clowns, but the crazy white makeup and red hair is really freakin' me out.

I posted this at work, feel free to judge me and my work ethic.

I feel like I spend a lot of time saying, "Oh, that is my guilty pleasure." But when I think about it, almost everything I do is somewhat embarrassing.

But, adding to the list of guilty pleasures is "More to Love" on FOX. I just couldn't watch the Bachlorette this season because Jillian was such an idiot. So, I've filled that sleazy hole inside me with the Bachlorette's D-list, huskier, little brother...More to Love.



My parents and brother are coming to visit me this weekend. I'm really excited about them coming to see me. I cleaned my apartment yesterday for them to come and stay, only to learn they are going to a hotel.
I cleaned for nothing, I mean, those dirty dishes could have been left sitting in the sink for at least another week and a half!

Since early this morning I have what I am pretty sure is heartburn. I've never had heartburn so I'm kinda freaked out. I looked it up on WebMD to see if I really had heartburn and read this..."Is there something wrong with your digestive system? Or maybe you think it’s your heart."

Actually, I didn't think it was my heart. But now I don't know. If I die in my office it might be a while before anyone smells me from the hall I just changed the Glade Plug-in.

Why Karma is Real: I ignored a lady at Wal-Mart when she asked me for the time, this resulted in me stepping in vomit on the way to the parking lot.

I keep having a reoccurring thought. Months ago I visited the King Ranch, and during the tour they talked about how they burn acres of land at a time. In this process, they said that the land comes back more green and beautiful than ever.

I like to think about life being like that, God puts us through situations that make us feel abandoned, with nothing left, and unsure of the future. But in time, he makes everything more beautiful that it has ever been before.

googling to stalking...a slippery slope.

I just got the windows tinted in my car and I carelessly wrote off the detail of not being able to roll down my windows for a week.

But this inconvenience only made me realize how often I need to roll down my windows...for fast food.

I'm not obese, but I was mortified at the number of times I thought, "I can't go there...my windows." Embarrassing. This is why I need a magic bullet blender and a maid who knows how to make Whataburger Taquitos.

(I'm also realizing this is the second blog I've written about going through drive thru's. I'm disgusting.)

Creepy Things I've Done Over the Course of a Week: (in no particular order)

• Googled/Cyber Stalked a new person in my office

• Stopped to look at puppies on the side of the road by myself.

• Walked around a cemetery (for it's historic value) and almost did a grave stone rubbing but then remembered I didn't bring crayons.

• Sat in my bedroom floor peering out the window while my next door neighbors fought in the parking lot.

• The people who live behind me were getting their mail at the same time as me and they threw something away. Impulsively, I pulled it out when they left to see what it was. (This one might be illegal...)

It could be urine...

Living in the Apple Creek apartment complex, I am constantly thinking to myself "Don't step in that, it might be urine."

Because sometimes there is a smell and there are puddles on the sidewalks and stairs.

But yesterday, I have never been more sure that those puddles were urine when I found this gem sitting at my next door neighbors front door...


I will admit that I can share numerous stories of odd behavior from the people next door. But, I have always given them the benefit of the doubt. Mainly, because I hope they do the same for me.

Because sometimes, I feel as if I can hear them thinking, "If he lives alone, why is he carrying all that pizza?" or "There he goes, Blockbuster on a Friday night." or "He's carrying 4 trash bags of garbage, someones been living in squaller..."

But, now that I have spotted a 3 liter bottle filled with urine, I am officially concerned.

I've turned into one of those nosey, shrill, next door neighbors from every Nick at Nite sitcom. My eyes peering out the blinds when I hear a car pull up and my ears straining to interpret a combination of English/Spanish.

But I really need to research this urine filled bottle, is it a drug thing? Because if they are cooking drugs I can get sick! I saw it on Grey's Anatomy once!

if someone wrote the menu in sharpie, drive away.

So, while at the drive-thru today of a local fast food Mexican restaurant called Casa de Taco, I was struck with the question of, "What is a UFO?" At least I was pretty sure it said UFO, it was hard to tell since the O had been drawn in with a Sharpie. But as it turns out a "UFO" is a tostada with guacamole, and I HATE guacamole, so I was gravely disappointed.

My next thought was, "If only there had been a picture." But as we all know, the pictures never look the same as what you get.

This is pretty right?

This one looks like it might have been found in between the cushions of a booth.

Who doesn't love a Beef & Cheddar?

It looks like they reheated it in a Ziploc bag.

Just as a warning, I was extremely grossed out and offended by this Wendy's chicken sandwich.

There are so many things I would like to say about this...and bon appetit is not one of them.

happy friday.

I WATCH TOO MANY MOVIES.

Once again, I am stuck without transportation. Never assume that purchasing a new foreign made vehicle wont leave stuck at work when you have a day full of meetings.

Is this God's way of telling me I'm destined for a bike? In this humidity, I'm going to pray that's not the plan.

Is it sad that I have been watching all the Harry Potter movies so that I can see the new one? I have only seen 2 of the movies before, so I'm watching most of them for the first time.

During my HP marathon I learned that I would like Harry Potter, not Daniel Radcliffe, to play me in a bio-pic about my life.

Reason #1. We are both have extraordinarily pasty skin.
Reason #2. He has a scar that burns when evil comes around and I have a scar on my hand that turns red when I'm sweaty.
Reason #3. We both have a thing for Asians.
Reason #4. We are both athletes. Harry plays Quidditch and I enjoy watching tennis.

This comparison? One word, uncanny.

ROMO & SIMPSON? WHAT A WORLD...

Over the weekend I got a new car, but they said it wouldn't be ready for me until Monday. And yesterday as I was driving it home from the dealership the check engine light came on.

This is another story I submitted to FMyLife.com and was also rejected. I'm 0 for 2. FML.

My first FML moment was when I got a ticket for not wearing my seat belt (and an assortment of other reasons) back in May. I still haven't paid it. Am I going to get arrested? If so, I have a good pose for my mugshot. Its a little bit Lindsey and a lotta Nick Nolte.

But I got my car today and everything is fine now. Don't worry, I'll post a picture of my car soon. My boss offered to take a picture on Friday when she comes to visit. I wonder if she'll be surprised when I take off my shirt and lay across the hood. After working 3 months with me, my guess is no.


Celeb Update:
So Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are broken up which leaves me disappointed but not surprised. I was hoping for an MTV Newlyweds Show with Tony. But can you blame him? If you want to be with someone famous, why be with someone whos latest success is a Proactiv commericial.

Lindsey Lohan's new movie Labor Pains? On ABC Family? Maybe I've DVRed it, and maybe I haven't.

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

This is a growing epidemic that has even made its way into the humble, non-English speaking city of Kingsville. 1 word, Guidos.

Urban Dictionary.com defines it as:
1. Guido
-A sad pathetic excuse for a male; not necessarily of Italian descent, but most likely; usually native to the New York/New Jersey Tri-State area.
-WARDROBE: tight zipper shirts, tracksuits, designer jeans, fuzzy kangol hats, tiny hoop earrings, fake gold chains, and related Euro-trash garb and tacky cheese-wear.


For further understanding:
-Read the blog Hot Chicks With Douchebags
-Watch the MTV show "Is She Really Going Out With Him."
-Or merely Google, hair gel, Ed Hardy, spray tanning or Armani Exchange.

For Example:
Apparently Jon Gosselin (whom I have written off) is starting his own clothing that he, his new girlfriend and Christian Adigier of Ed Hardy will design. Seriously? The only thing more ridiculous than Ed Hardy is Jon Gosselin designing clothes WITH Ed Hardy....FOR CHILDREN!


This is one of my favorite blogs talking about hating Ed Hardy...
Stuff White People Love #124 Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy

SPIDERS CRAWLING UP YOUR BACK...

I was going through old photos saved on my computer and found some of my apartment in NYC. This one is definitely a favorite.


The roomies were having laundry day! Well, not technically, it's just easier than saying "The roomies were having a Febreeze and Downy Wrinkle Releaser day!"

When you go to Sonic and order a Mango Cool Breeze, do you ever think of that song you sang as a kid, "tight squeeze, cool breeze, now you got the shiveries?" If you do, don't sing it to the carhop. They don't think it's funny.

DENTAL FLOSS, SIMPLE YET HORRIFYING.

Last night I had a dream that I lost 2 teeth, but then I just spit them out and threw them away like it was no big deal.

Reasons I had this dream...

Before I went to bed I watched Paris Hilton's My New BFF and ate a pepperoni Hot Pocket. A weird combination, that caused me to go to bed hungry and ready for a brawl in a bar. So with that, I was likely to dream about anything....

But, it's probably because I have been trying to floss more and I had a traumatizing experience yesterday. I was using one of those mint flavored floss picks and the string broke off in between my teeth and I flipped out because I couldn't get it out for 20 minutes.

I'm definitely a freaker-outer because in those 20 minutes I looked up a dentist to call (at 10:45pm) and tried to call my mom (who is on a cruise at the moment) to ask what I should do. And in case I had to get one of my teeth pulled, I practiced smiling to the left to cover my potential gap. But after poking, jabbing, and making promises with God, I got the floss out.

I DON'T LOOK HOMELESS, I LOOK GOOD.

Most days at work that I think, "If I have to sit in this chair or look at this computer screen one minute longer, I am going to run out screaming profanities." But instead I just mutter those profanities under my breath and watch something on YouTube.

I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to sing in a community choir here in Kingsville that is predominately old people. Let's weigh the pros and cons...

PROS:
-I can sing in a choir and that's fun
-Old people love to bake stuff for young single people
-Continuous offers of Werther's Originals from old men

CONS:
-That PSSSSST sound oxygen tanks make every 10 seconds
-That really wobbly octogenarian vibrato
-I'll probably be known as Wayne the whole timeEither way, I'll probably end up doing it. It will give me some pretty good stories.

My car might be seeing it's final days. I am taking it to the shop tomorrow to have it looked at because the air conditioner is out, the service engine light is on, and its making a really crazy noise when you start it. In summary, it's effed.
I'm worried that it's going to be expensive to fix so I am going to start looking at new cars that get good gas mileage. Suggestions are appreciated.

I recently had my 90 day evaluation, the only complaint was from an elderly Board Member who said I needed to shave everyday. This was like a slap in my two day unshaven face. As a recent college graduate, I haven't shaved everyday since high school. So, now I'm trying to find a religion I can use as an excuse not to shave, even though no one laughed when I said, "Allah and my fellow Jihad members aren't going to like that..."

While in Austin last week, I had Bubble Tea twice. With that being said, I retract what I said about hating Bubble Tea. However, after the 100 degree heat melted the last few "pearls" at the bottom it looked like someone had taken a mallet to a couple of minnows in the bottom of my drink, and it almost ruined Bubble Tea for me once again. Almost.

This last Sunday at church we talked about having a plan and how God works through our plans. Pastor Bil said, "Whoever said there is a difference between God's plan and our own?" and "God never squashes a dream, it's biblical." I have really been praying a lot about these things he said, because I'm not sure that I agree.

He encouraged everyone to write down 50 things that you want, I have spent the last few days coming up with mine. Bil said that once you get past, new car, make millions, and all the other temporary riches you will really start to state what you want out of life. And when you look back at your list you can see underlying themes and specific areas that are a commonality throughout.

Bil said that this is how we can truly find what we are passionate about. God can't really use us until we understand what we are passionate about. That until then we are basically "stealing time from our employer."

I left really disheartened but also encouraged by some of the verses and other things he said. But I knew I really had to search and pray about what was spoken. There were so many things he said that I was really confused by. What happened to making God your passion and God will provide the rest? It definitely made me uneasy, because I'm at a crossroad where I'm not 100% sure what God has called me to be passionate about. I have no doubt that God could reveal plans for our lives in a list of wants, but there are so many other ways that those plans could be revealed.

I was really upset a while back when I was having lunch with one of my board members who is probably in her fifties and she said something to the effect of, "I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up." Is that the way is goes for some people? You spend your life working jobs you hate all while slowing making your way towards your passion and the grave?

In a really sad but selfish note: a year or so ago I bought the Michael Jackson Thriller record at a flea market and framed it for decoration.....CHA-CHING!

My Celeb Update:
-Jon & Kate: I'm so annoyed by you, you've officially earned your Octo-Mom status.
-Megan Fox: Get over yourself.
-Perez Hilton: I'm glad you got punched in the face, but your still gonna blog right
-Also while I was in Austin, I learned that Sandra Bullock not only loves Texas, but also historic preservation. My job is now looking a little more glamorous.
-If you are on Twitter you should definitely follow @mindykaling. It's Kelly from The Office and her tweets are seriously funny.
-Kayla is going to win So You Think You Can Dance right?!

I LOVE THIS...

I'M SORT OF LIKE A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE!

You can't live near the coast and at least not try to like the beach. So, I agreed to go to Port Aransas with my relatives for a 24 hour deep sea fishing trip. For those of you who know me, there are several things that are really hilarious about that sentence.

Let's just say that you shouldn't do ANYTHING consistently for 24 hours....

This picture pretty much sums up my trip:



This trip reiterated that maybe I should remove "Win Survivor" from my bucket list. Between massive amounts of humidity, salt water, and really obnoxious people I became really neurotic and cranky, making me a more suitable candidate for A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.

WHY WOULDN'T A BLANKET HAVE SLEEVES?

My life feels like I get up everyday and do the exact same thing. I mean it’s not just a feeling, I do, but I want to change it up a little. This is why I am here...blogging.

Today I had lunch with two elderly couples at a restaurant called the Cherry Tree Tea Room. They all snickered when I asked if they had any sandwiches without fruit. But I was being serious, and I chose meatloaf thinking it would be a safe alternative, only to find that the meatloaf is served ala raisins.

A lady that works on the Board took me to meet the two couples to talk about speaking at an upcoming event. I have never been great with old people, but I feel that with age I am becoming more acclimated to them. I was fascinated by how they had met in college at a house party and were all still together today hanging out.

My job is going okay. I'm still finding it awkward being in "the real world." Being in school your entire life and then going into the work force is a big jump. I mean, you get over it, but it's still weird to think that an entire chapter of my life has been completely closed.

In other updates, I own a Snuggie and I've been cutting my own hair.

At work there is a Board Member, Valerie, who during my interview was an absolute nightmare. She wore a biker outfit and yelled most of the questions she asked. But I have gotten to work with her more closely and she is my absolute favorite. When in the office Valerie always uses lunchtime to really get to know me as a person and on the flip side shows me who she is outside of being my boss.

She told me the story of her engagement. She said that her and her husband had met at a Bible Study in College. A few nights later she had a dream that he proposed to her. She said she really began to pray about why she had that dream, she said that later in the week she was alone with him and she told him about the dream. He then turned and breathed on the window and drew the outline of the diamond that she had seen in her dream. He said that God had made it known to him that she was “the one” and had bought a ring with her in mind.

A major plus of adulthood is the money. I feel rich. I mean, I'm not, but I don't have to constantly get online and look at the balance of my checking account to make sure I'm not overdrawn. And this, my friends, is how you know you’ve made it. So, if I send you a random gift that’s not for Christmas or your Birthday, it's not because I was thinking about you, it's because I wanted you to remember that I make more money than you.

I'm still looking for a really cool place in Kingsville to hang out. They used to have a coffee shop by the university, but it closed. And a Starbucks, but it's closed too. I just really want a place with a cool name, good variety in drinks, open early and late, good seating, and free wifi. But for real? Just coffee that isn’t H-E-B brand or has a Mc in front of it would be nice too.

After 8 years of driving I still have a bad habit of randomly not wearing my seat belt. Yesterday I got a ticket for speeding, not wearing a seat belt, not updating the information on my driver’s license, and not having a recent proof of insurance in my car. I don't have any idea how much the ticket is going to be. The State Trooper told me I would need to meet with the Judge and he would decide the fine. What a pain.

Yesterday at Church, we saw a video that magician/renowned atheist Penn Teller had posted to his blog. He was talking about meeting a stranger that offered him a small New Testament Bible. He then talked about how if there was a God and a chance that people really are going to hell, then why aren't more people living there beliefs like this man that approached him? He said, "How much do you have to hate someone to not say something?" It was so moving and very thought provoking! I loved it!


I'm still unhealthily obsessed with American Idol. But what else is new. To keep it short, I hate Adam, love Kris, and I'm impartial to Danny.


Seriously Jon Gosslin? Just when I was finally over Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson's divorce....now this?